Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

  90 - JUST ANOTHER DAY IN BAKERSFIELD I must have made it to the couch sometime during the night, because the next thing I know Maggie’s kicking me and shouting, “Hey, wake up, look at this.” Through bleary eyes I could make out this annoying happy face shouting into my hangover from the new TV. “Good morning, Bakersfield!   This is another weekday edition of ‘Good Morning, Bakersfield!’ with your hosts, Russ Trade and Winney Fisher!   Now heeeeeere they are, Bakersfield’s favorite unmarried quipsters, Ruuussssss and Winnnnnney!” “Good morning, Bakersfield.   I’m your host, Russ Trade.” “And I’m his grip on reality, Winney Fisher.” “This morning a dream of mine is coming true.   Winney is bungee-jumping from a hot air balloon with some Bakersfield naturists.” “Gee, Russ, that makes me wonder…you must be tired from hot air-blowing your comb-over, huh?” “Right, Winney.   But first, we have a special report from the Sheriff’s Department in beautiful, downtown Bakersfiel

  91 - UP FROM THE PITS At Broken Heart Park we admit it:   it’s always darkest before we regain consciousness. Kittens, Kartones, shattered crockery and twisted metal littered the lot around the First Coach and the acreage of Broken Heart Park.   What had been Miss Dorothy’s trailer was now a blazing fireball burning hot into the sky.   I’d never seen worse conflagration in my entire life.   (Well, I admit, there was Great-Granny’s funeral, but no obliteration was so close to my heart as this.)   I never thought my dream job could end up so terrifying for me and my loved ones, and even the ones I hated. I forgot all about Maggie till I heard her wailing for someone to call 9-1-1.   She was still laid out flat on our brand new living room carpet, drenching the pile with a heavy flow from her gashing wound. “Mr. Manager,” I heard the Silver Ghost address me formally, “I’ll go make the emergency call.”   As he jumped to action he yelled, “Safety!   Security!   The—” “Would

  92 - CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL “Hey, girlie, I got it for you right here,” Christos grabbed himself in a most ungentlemanly fashion.   Then he started raining curses on us.   But just when he stopped long enough to catch his breath, Maggie jumped in and confronted him.   “Hey, the cops came down on you because Ferris and Rosa Twain went missing.” Christos joggled Maggie’s revolver irritably from side to side, “I wish it was you two dat was missin’ now.”   He bared what teeth he still had with bad intention. Maggie plowed straight ahead unafraid of the business end of a gun.   When sufficiently riled, she will tell you all about yourself.   “We’re not responsible for the Kachinga Nation coming here looking for remnants of their ancestral heritage.   And you can’t even blame us for the fact that RobbinsYUZ cooked their corporate books, which I might add, also cooked our golden goose.   I lost more than you because of that.”   Maggie held onto my shoulder for manly support