Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

69 - IT’S ALL BAKERSFIELD TO ME

I was sleeping real peaceful in the cool musty soil under my own mobile home when a sharp jabbing came and interrupted my dreams.  I growled a bit and gave a swat at the intrusion, but there it was, again.  Again and again and again.

I opened one eye and saw, peeking sideways under the trailer, an elderly Afro-African man.  His smile seemed to greet me friendly enough, but his stick sure had a nasty disposition.

“Come on, get on out from under there,” he said.

“Quit with that stick,” I protested.

“Then come on out here and assume your rightful duties to manage this place.”

I crawled into the light, squinting and rubbing my eyes as usual, but now that I was a company man I wasn’t about to let this guy boss me around.

“Who the hell are you?  And what’re you doing poking at people like that?  It ain’t right.  Ain’t no way to be waking other people up.”

Now that I was standing more or less upright, I stood my ground.

“The name’s Joe Plato,” he grabbed my hand and shook it about five different ways.  “There’s a bunch of us waiting to meet our new Park Manager.”

I must’ve looked confused, since the guy nodded back at me and said without missing a beat, “That’d be you.”

Then he shook a copy of the local newspaper in my face.  “Now what are you going to do about these bugs I’m reading about in the paper?” he demanded.  “Know what I’m saying?”

Not having a clue what he was talking about, he pushed a copy of The Beagle into my hands.

THE BAKERSFIELD BEAGLE
“Digging Up The News”

DWINDLING LIZARD POPULATION:  LEADS TO INSECT ROMANCE
Bakersfield, CA—

Cy Squeel IV, Director of The Fanny Luscious Kartone Foundation for the Preservation of the Three Horned Piss Lizard, has announced that the foundation is planning to end its popular piss-lizard bounty program.

“We have pumped a lot of dollars into the local economy,” he noted, “but it has become increasingly apparent we have drained the lizard dry.”

Mr. Squeel added, “Therefore, as an environmental and economic measure, we are closing our local office effective immediately.  Those finding further Balloonitae may send them to our Ulele office along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, and we will return grocery coupons equaling $1.75 per lizard.”

Fine Lady Babbs Montez lamented, “I guess I shouldn’t have bought that Porsche.”

In a related story, a Bakersfield high school biology teacher and amateur ickyologist, Bosco Farago, announced today that the rumors are true; there has been a startling increase in the number of the pesky bugs that eat out the insulation of trailers.

First noticed in Mr. Farago’s science module at River Phoenix High, the dramatic increase in the insect population has been directly connected with the declining number of their only natural predator, the vile piss-lizard.

The insect population explosion is most noticeable from the mating call of the male member of the species.  Through sheer numbers the call actually becomes audible to human ears.  Simply by pressing your ear next to the side of an infested trailer, you can detect the faint sound of the disgusting bugs cavorting in their mating frenzy.  It sounds like ‘I Luff Lucy.’”

Mr. Farago warned, “Ziz iz very interestink, but it izn’t over ‘til ze larvae zing."

Indeed, grave words of concern for anyone who calls a trailer park home.

 

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