Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

66 - I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO

While Lucas was driving me to Maggie’s office in his pickup truck he turned on the radio to the local news.  Normally, I’m not one for listening to news radio much, but over the static this report caught my attention:

“…And I’m Randy Felcher, and you’re listening to KWTF radio on your AM dial, where we like to say, ‘We Got What’s Shakin’ In The Bake!’

“Now we take you live to our roving reporter, Chico Chorizzo, out near The Stardust Lounge complex…Chico.”

“Hi, Randy.  I’m here with Cy Squeel IV who is about to present local Fine Lady Babbs Montez with a check for $1.75 representing the millionth Three Horned Piss Lizard, or as they’re known in lizardology, Naturalus aquaticus balloonitae, preserved by the foundation.  This piss-lizard foundation, as you may well know, was created by the estate of the late Fanny Kartone for the preservation of these vile little reptiles.

“Ms. Montez, may I ask, how many of these Balloonitae have you personally turned in?”

“Why Chico, I’ve rounded up over thousands just off the asphalt of the interstate alone.  But they don’t let you turn in a head and front legs, or the tail and back legs.  Unh-huh, it’s gotta be the whole piss-lizard or you get nada.”

“That must be hard work.”

“No, The Stardust’s hard work, you know that, Chico.  This here’s as easy as peeling off dead piss-lizards.  There’s one thing really bugging me.”

“What’s that, Miss Montez?”

“Well, Chico, the media isn’t reporting about my best friend Lorleen Littlesum who’s been missing from work for several days now.  It’s not like Lorleen to just totally disappear like that.  She could be a victim of some terrible crime, but nobody seems to care.  People look down their noses at Balloonitae girls.  Hey, Lorleen!  If you’re out there, come on home, baby.  We’re all missin’ ya!”

“Thank you, thank you, Miss Montez.  Now for Mr. Squeel.”

“Hello, Chico.”

“Mr. Squeel, one million Balloonitae.  That’s a whole lotta piss-lizards.  Can you tell our listeners exactly how the preservation end of this project works?”

“Why, Chico, I feel really privileged to answer that.  Actually, the vast majority of Balloonitae we receive come in as road kill.  Dead, dried, smashed, splattered, with their little tongues hanging out.  It isn’t too pretty and it doesn’t smell nice, but we’re passionately dedicated to the little things.  The live ones we put into jars.  We fill the jars with brine and seal them, then we store the jars in a cool, dark place.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Squeel, but that sounds more like pickling than preserving a species.”

“You say pickle, I say preserve.  The world is full of such contradictions.  All I can tell you is, one day people will come from all over to visit our foundation and see these dirty lizards.  You couldn’t say that if they were left free to die unattended on the interstate, could you?  Meanwhile, citizens like Ms. Montez here can make enough money to live out their sordid lives.  Why, did you know that the Shoppe ‘N Lift Mini-Mart is opening a new store not two blocks away that sells nothing but gas, beer, burritos and chips?  How’s that for progress?  And all because of these vile reptiles!”

“Okay, thank you very much.  That’s Cy Squeel IV of The Fanny Luscious Kartone Foundation for the Preservation of the Three Horned Piss Lizard.  Reporting live, this is Chico Chorizzo for KWTF, where ‘We Got What’s Shakin’ In The Bake!’  Okay Randy, back to you.”

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