Brokenhearted in Bakersfield
81 - THERE’S MORE TO THE STORY
Can’t say I can remember when I been reading so much. Broken Heart Park was featured in the news again.THE BAKERSFIELD BEAGLE
“Digging Up The News”
FEATURES: Cracked Pots & Crackpots
Bakersfield, CA—
The Beagle has learned new details regarding the vandals responsible for digging up the ill-fated Edna Peevy Memorial Petunia Patch in Broken Heart Park, the local trailer court that has been the scene of so much tragedy of late.
Newly appointed Sheriff Stan (“Big Bud”) Humboldt reported to news sources, “After we informed alleged digger Owen Purty of his Miranda rights, the alleged perp caved in, admitting he was the one digging around the sacred grounds that night.”
According to Big Bud, “The alleged Mr. Purty was looking for buried gold treasure, the so-called Montezuma’s Reserves.”
After a short restroom break Big Bud continued, “Mr. Purty claims the fiancée of the current management at Broken Heart Park, a certain Maggie Gato, had told him Aztecs secretly deposited a ton of gold here in Bakersfield a long time ago, and it’s stashed somewhere in the vicinity of Broken Heart Park. Mr. Purty claims Ms. Gato knows of a treasure map showing where the Aztec gold is buried. This map was once the property of Ol’ Jack Philpot.”
Big Bud added for the record, “The late Mr. Philpot was a former member of the management team at Broken Heart Park, as well as a recent victim of vigilante justice. Anyhow, our best understanding is the map purportedly shows that the lost gold was buried somewhere around or under the trailers.”
Big Bud roared with laughter, “Once we all finally stopped laughing, we asked Purty if he’d like to buy my Buick with all that gold he was gonna find.”
In other news, it’s reported that Mr. Purty claimed to know nothing about the strange disappearance of Ferris and Rosa Twain, former co-managers at the grieving trailer court community. Nor does Mr. Purty admit to knowing anything about the gruesome discovery of clothing belonging to the two Twains—a muumuu and a Hawaiian shirt—found buried near where Mr. Purty and Fine Lady Babbs Montez had allegedly been digging the night away.
When asked to comment on the hundreds of Indian potsherds found in his mini-camper, Mr. Purty claimed his only concern was “protecting the rich cultural heritage of Native Americans.”
In another development, Mr. Purty’s alleged digging accomplice, Ms. Montez, was unavailable for comment since she has not been seen since being released on her own recognizance on the night of the incident. (Oddly, Ms. Montez is the second exotic dancer from The Stardust Lounge to recently disappear.)
When Ms. Gato was informed of Mr. Purty’s claims implicating her in vandalizing the gardens of Broken Heart Park, her only response was to laugh, and she waved off any comments for the record.
However, after she regained her composure, Ms. Gato added on a serious note, “More important than any buried treasure is the unanswered question, Who shot and killed the Minister’s Son? I mean, wake up people. We still have an unsolved murder here. A rampaging murderer is somewhere loose and roaming around the streets of Bakersfield, and we don’t know who he is. We know for a fact that the Silver Ghost, mostly known as Joe Plato, shot Ol’ Jack Philpot in self-defense, but in the name of all that’s good and holy, who murdered that innocent boy, the Minister’s Son?”
Sheriff Humboldt’s office responded that Big Bud could not be reached for further comment since he was too busy searching for the possible remains of the two Twains among the tons of Indian debris.
A representative for the Sheriff’s Department, however, speaking on condition of strict anonymity, refused comment on the status of the unsolved murder. Nor would he discuss the likelihood of a killer remaining on the loose in Bakersfield.
But the spokesperson did add for the record, “Don’t get your skivvies in a bunch. I should like to remind all the good citizens of our fair community that there ain’t no Statute of Limitations on account of murder, so the Sheriff’s Department has plenty of time to nab whoever’s guilty.”
The excavation of Broken Heart Park is being conducted under the supervision of the local Kachinga Indian Tribe, which has been designated by the Federal Bureau of Indian Stuff as the Tribe of Origin of the clay pot detritus found in the area.
According to Ms. Sashimi Luckyfeather, the legal mouthpiece and spokesperson for the Kachingas, “We have examined the many pot specimens found in the area, and they simply scream Kachinga.
“Of course, we are cooperating with local authorities in their search for criminal evidence, while at the same time we are insisting that this important site be preserved as our forefathers would have wanted.
“It appears from the many clay pieces we’ve found here that this was my people’s version of the Pottery Barn long ago. Its preservation is of the utmost importance to the Kachinga Nation, and will necessitate the removal of all current residents of the trailer park. Perhaps they can be resettled?”
When asked about Montezuma’s Reserves, Ms. Luckyfeather scoffed, “Montezuma’s Reserves is an old Kachinga game for teaching children the principals of gaming.” She explained, “It’s something like your Tic-Tac-Toe, but it actually requires far more skill and intelligence.”
When The Beagle finally caught up with the current Park Manager sipping a beer outside the managerial coach, his only comment for the record was, “I wonder if No. 1 is nailed down?”