Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

79 - EXTRA!  EXTRA!  READ ALL ABOUT IT

True or not, like celebrity gossip, ya can’t help reading about it.  I went out and bought a copy of The Beagle to find out what was going on in our little corner of Kern County.

THE BAKERSFIELD BEAGLE
“Digging Up The News”

NEWS:  Muumuu In The Garden
Bakersfield, CA—

Broken Heart Park, the trailer community that was the recent scene of a quadruple homicide and an as-yet unsolved murder, is now the focus of intense investigation by authorities after the grisly discovery of a Hawaiian shirt and a matching muumuu found buried in a flower garden.

Police officers received a report of two vandals digging up a garden in the trailer court.  Owen Purty, believed to be a local resident, and Fine Lady Babbs Montez, noted entertainer from The Stardust Lounge, were the alleged pair of diggers apprehended at the scene.

Another trailer court resident, identified only as someone called Silver Ghost, subdued Mr. Purty with a child’s inner tube and had the alleged digger trussed and ready for the police upon arrival.  Officers discovered an unnamed little boy attached to the legs of the alleged female suspect.

While policing the hole allegedly dug by Mr. Purty and Fine Lady Babbs, officers discovered articles of clothing that were recognized by trailer park residents as belonging to the previous Park Managers, Ferris Twain and his wife Rosa Twain.

Detectives matched the clothing with that shown in a photograph [provided courtesy of The Beagle] being worn by the Twains when they attended the First Annual “Broken Open” Golf Tournament.  Everyone is pretty sure that these are those clothes.  Ferris and Rosa Twain have not been seen in a long time.

When asked about the events, the current Park Manager of Broken Heart Park had no comment.  His fiancée had no comment.  Fine Lady Babbs had no comment.  Owen Purty told officers he was ready to spill his guts.

Mr. Purty was taken into custody when a credit check revealed that he was delinquent on student loans totaling $20,688.06, allegedly borrowed to cover a home-study course in veterinary science.

Fine Lady Babbs was later released on her own recognizance, as she is most evenings.

The hero of the day, the self-styled Silver Ghost, emotionally stated for the record, “All this digging has to stop.  Thank the Lord, peace at last.”

As the Silver Ghost rubbed his bandaged head he shouted his own message about, “Safety,” “Security” and “the Silver Ghost.”  No one knew what he was talking about.

In a related development, pieces of clay pottery discovered among the trampled flowers appeared to be authentic Native American artifacts.  The Federal Bureau of Indian Stuff has been called, and the area has been surrounded with yellow tape.  Authorities expect that excavation of the entire site may begin as early as next week.

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