Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

42 - LAST WILL & TESTAMENT

“And now for you gentlemen.”  I was getting that feeling I always get when the doctor puts on latex gloves and tells me to just relax.

“As to the remainder of Miss Kartone’s rather considerable estate, it was her life’s dream, and indeed her dying wish, to create a foundation for the preservation of one of the animal kingdom’s most abused and misunderstood creatures, the lowly piss-lizard, scientifically known as Naturalis aquaticus balloonitae.  Therefore, I have today established and incorporated The Fanny Luscious Kartone Foundation for the Conservancy of the Three Horned Piss Lizard.”

The lawyer paused and smiled.  “I’m spending the rest of my professional career administering a $500 million piss-lizard charity.”  Mr. Squeel rolled his office chair back and stood up, and said without so much as a parting glance, “Good day.”

He must’a pressed a secret button or something, because just then two big goons in uniforms come rushing from outta nowhere and grabbed ahold of Brother Hickpacker and me.  They proceeded to frog march us out the back door, unceremoniously dumping us onto the hot asphalt of the parking lot.

“Well if that ain’t a' Alabama goddam,” Brother Hickpacker coughed and made loud gargling noises as he struggled to his feet.

“I’m not sure I appreciate the way Mr. Squeel pays his condolences,” I pulled myself up and dusted myself off.

“Maybe we should get us a lawyerly pitbull and sue the bloomers off Fanny?” Brother Hickpacker opined.

Before I could respond to his call for legal retaliation, my attention was drawn to the sight of the little old man called Roy exiting the building and walking straight up to us.

“Excuse me,” he spoke to me in a silky smooth voice.  “My name is Roy Jones,” he stuck out a limp hand.  “And I want you to know how sorry I am for your recent loss.”

“It was a big disappointment, I assure you,” I shook his tiny hand.

Mr. Jones then touched my elbow.  “I realize you’re still in mourning for the dearly departed,” he said, “but would you do me the favor of accompanying me to my office?  I believe Miss Kartone informed you that I might have something for you, hmmm?”  He tugged gently at my sleeve.

Then I remembered Fanny saying something about her lawyer having a will…and her agent having my inheritance.

“You’re my Great-Granny’s agent?”  I gave the ancient little man a big ol’ bear hug.

“Yes, indeed,” he enthusiastically hugged me back.

In my excitement I hardly noticed the long black car that slowed to a stop next to Mr. Jones.  A tall man dressed in black hopped out and opened up the door for us, which I figured was a formal invitation to get in.  I was so excited!

“Son, things are looking up,” Brother Hickpacker hooted as he shoved me into the backseat.

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