Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

55 - I WALK THE LINE

I had every intention of heading to Stardust Acres to confront Lorleen Littlesum regarding the truth of our relationship.  Instead, I bought a case of beer and three bottles of NyQuil™ and headed home to Broken Heart Park to think about what I wanted to say to her.

When I came to several days later, this piece of news arrived as quite a shock:

THE BAKERSFIELD BEAGLE
“Digging Up The News”

FLASH:  A CRACK IN THE ROAD
Bakersfield, CA—
Tragedy hit the streets of Bakersfield yesterday when local businessman and college footballer Seymour (“Chuck”) Dookie lost control of his Vista Cruiser and crashed.  The accident occurred on the interstate just south of The Stardust Lounge adult entertainment emporium.
Horrified witnesses reported seeing Mr. Dookie’s car careen wildly off the road into a nearby irrigation ditch.  The stunned spectators said the former gridiron great’s body was ejected through the windshield with incredible force.
The crash resulted in the almost instantaneous death of the late Mr. Dookie.
Paramedics at the scene report Mr. Dookie’s dying words to them was a song request.  The dying jock pleaded with them to hum along with him to a Johnny Cash song playing on the car’s 8-track stereo, “I Walk the Line.”
Mr. Dookie arrived in Bakersfield from Idaho approximately twelve years ago, after an unfortunate frat boy prank resulted in the loss of both his legs, and a lucrative NFL career.
In Bakersfield, Mr. Dookie ran some kind of brokerage business out of an unused janitor’s closet at an unidentified mini-mall.
A witness who only identified himself as “Red” described in detail the chain of events:  “Hell, I almost lost it myself.  I was foller’n this here feller up the innerstate.  Weez do’n about 75-80, when we come across these fine ladies in high heels and short-shorts, all bent over on the side of the road.  I just give ‘em a little honk on my air horn, just ‘cause I gotta, ya understand?  And the next thing I knowed, this guy in front of me is fly’n off into that there ditch.  I stopped and asked one of the girls if she had a cell phone I could use, but she just slapped my face.”
Another witness, Babbs Montez, a performer at the nearby Stardust Lounge, described the horrific accident:  “I was busy scraping up $87.50 worth of piss-lizards when I heard a loud horn blasting behind me.  I looked up and saw this car flipping through the air, and I didn’t think anybody could survive that crash so I just kept on scraping.  I mean, what about us girls?  The girls and me, I mean, we’re out here in the blazing sun doing what we gotta do to earn an honest dollar.  We can’t help it if someone jerks himself off the road like that.  Hey, there’s plenty of guys killing themselves just to get a look at us onstage every night.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta cash in this bag of dead piss-lizards.”
Trooper Dan Cooper of the California Highway Patrol wryly commented, “I don’t know how many times we have to say it, and this just proves it once again, amputees can’t work all those gadgets on a modified car any better than I can investigate pornography on the Web single-handed.”
When contacted, Mr. Dookie’s office announced there would be no funeral services.  Arrangements are being made to send the remains back to Idaho via express mail.

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