Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

36 - HALLELUJAH!

I drummed my fingers on the counter while I waited for my piece of pie.  In the background a radio played what sounded like organ music grinding away.  A disembodied voice intoned:

“Amen, listeners.  That was none other than our own Sister Beulah offering up ‘Ebb Tide’ for you.  And this is inspirational radio in Ulele, KRZY on your AM dial.  Now stay tuned, because next up with a very important message is our very own Brother Hiram P. Hickpacker.”

The radio music swelled, and the pink dish behind the counter pocketed my lucky $20.  While I sucked banana cream off the fork the waitress put one foot up on a milk crate and slowly bent over to tie a white orthopedic shoe.  Just as I was enjoying the view, my thinking was interrupted by a bourbon-and-cigarette voice blaring over the airwaves.

“Hallelujah, friends!

“This is Brother Hiram P. Hickpacker of the Cosmically Enlightened Tiny Storefront Chapel of Self-Propagation, and I’m a-wantin’ to help ya, I’m a-waitin’ to help ya, and I’m a-goooooin’ to help ya!

“Friends, so many of you have asked me, ‘Brother Hickpacker, what is the truth about Self-Propagation?’

“Well friends, here it is, the truth is the Number One thing you better be lookin’ out for is Number One!  And what Number One needs more than anything else is Almighty bucks!  Amen.

“So many of you have written me cards and letters askin’ me, ‘Brother Hickpacker, how can I get me some Almighty bucks?’

“Well, friends, I’m a’gonna share one buck-grabbin’ way with ya right now.  First, you’ll need to get yourself a large mayonnaise jar and a box of teeny tiny kitties.  Say Hallelujah!

“Then you take your mayonnaise jar and your kitties and you drive out to one of them fancy neighborhoods, you know, the ones that got the swimmin’ pools built right down inside the ground, and you take one of your little kitties and your mayonnaise jar and you walk right up to the front door of one of those big houses and you ring the doorbell.

“Gimme a Hallelujah!

“And when the lady of the house answers, you take the teeny tiny kitty and place it in the mayonnaise jar and you screeeeew down that lid.  Now you tell the lady that the little kitty has only five minutes to live.

“Holy Hallelujah, friends, you have worked a wonder!  You have worked a miracle!  You have created a concerned citizen!

“Now, you tell that concerned citizen for five dollars you’ll unscreeew the lid and give the little kitty a breath of fresh air.  Yes you will, Hallelujah.  And for ten dollars more, you’ll take that poor kitty out of the jar and hand it over to her and that little kitty will never be subjected to such humiliation again.

“Hallelujah, it works every time!

“Friends, now I am a-makin’ you an offer you cannot refuse!  You send me, Brother Hiram P. Hickpacker $19.95, that’s right, grab $19.95 and send it to me, and I will send you my booklet ‘101 Ways to Create Concerned Citizens!’

“So until next time, this is Brother Hickpacker wishin’ you peace, power and prosperity!”

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