Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

32 - SENSE AND SENSUOUS

Now in my experience taking a bath is a lot like sex; it’s often done better alone.  But Auntie’s houseboy wouldn’t take the hint.  Lars just blathered on and on, “…an jour soap eez here, an dees eez da agua fresca an dees eez da caliente an….”

“Hey, I been in plenty of bathrooms,” I was economical with the truth.  “You can just beat it now.”

I’m not sure he correctly translated my message since Lars leaned across my body to pull out a towel the size of a horse blanket.  “Da towels eez here, da bubbles eez here.  Jou like bubbles?  I like da bubbles,” he just prattled on and on.  Finally I had to converse using body language, as I pushed him out the bathroom door.

Once rid of Auntie’s over-tanned and overly toned assistant, I just laid back and soaked in the hot soothing suds, in a bathtub bigger than the pool under construction down at Stardust Acres.  The thick fog of alcoholic beverages, NyQuil™, injected painkillers, and herbal-infused brownies began to lift, and this good ol’ boy started feeling like a brand new man.  The brand new man started counting the pitiless ways he’d been mercilessly abused by Lady Luck.

I pondered on this for a bit.  Here I was, flat broke.  I’d been periodically locked out of my trailer on account of nonpayment of rent.  My startup business with Chet and Hippie Mary got busted and nearly resulted in legal proceedings from the local constabulary.  I’d been violated by Edna Peevy’s table leg, which was as emotionally painful as it was medically costly (why, there wasn’t enough damn kittens in the whole world to pay my emergency room bills).  A phony Jezabel Jewett clawed my ass while trying to pull me into a toxic waste dump.  I’d had uninvited ghostly visitations from the specter of Edna and her boy Billy.  All my friends, except for that bolt-puller Owen Purty seemed to be deserting Broken Heart Park for the splendors available down at Stardust Acres.  Why, my life was hurtling out of control and no longer made any particular sense.

Then I done the only thing any sensible person in my position could do, I submerged my aching head under bathwater.

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