Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

54 - WANTED:  DEAD OR ALIVE

While stepping outside the office of Chuck Dookie, copies of The Beagle was blow’n around with other trash in the wind.  The Society Page section caught about my ankles, and as I started to shake my leg free the following story caught my interest:

THE BAKERSFIELD BEAGLE
“Digging Up The News”

SOCIETY PAGE:  LIZARDS INCITE EXCITEMENT
Bakersfield, CA—

From our Sister City of Ulele comes news that Bakersfield is about to become the beneficiary of an unexpected windfall.

The estate of the late, great silent film star, Fanny Kartone, has endowed a foundation for the preservation of the reptile known hereabouts as the Three Horned Piss Lizard (Naturalus aquaticus balloonitae, roughly meaning “Nature’s Water Balloon”).  The vile little creatures are more commonly called piss-lizards.

The dead movie star’s bequest has funded a temporary storefront at the Pine Ivy Slough Mini-Emporium.  The purpose of the foundation’s storefront is the collection of piss-lizards, dead or alive.  Individuals will be paid a bounty of $1.75 for every Balloonitus turned in.

A buck-grabbing frenzy has hit our local community like none other in recent memory.

Former beauty queen and noted ballroom dancer, Fine Lady Babbs Montez, gushed, “Get out those paint scrapers, girls.  We’re headed for the interstate now.  Gonna scrape us up some real money.”

On the other hand, alarmed environmentalists warn that depleting the population of the ubiquitous piss-lizard might lead to an explosion of the reptile’s main food source:  the bugs that eat fiberglass insulation out of trailers.  Reportedly, no one important seems to care.

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