Brokenhearted in Bakersfield
53 - TAKING STOCK
Ms. Gato handed over my stock
certificate as I felt the spark of love arc between us like static cling.
“There’s a story here, gentlemen,” she said.
I wasn’t sure what Ms. Gato was going out say next, but I was holding onto her
every word, and then some.
“It seems that Robbins & Caruso was bought years ago by Lactless Cheeses
and combined to become Lactless-Robbins Ltd.
They cornered the market on lactose-free cheese product and sheep gland
serum, which gave them the financial leverage to get their fingers into a lot
of different pies.
“Unfortunately, medical science developed pills for lactose-intolerant
people. This eliminated the market for
the slimy, tasteless glop that Lactless passed off as cheese.
“Fortunately, other scientists began conducting medical experiments after
beauticians and cosmetologists reported odd side effects from the sheep gland
treatments. Aging female clients were
developing buffed chests and complaining of excessive hair growth in odd
places. It didn’t take long for
researchers to realize it was time for a market shift. So they began peddling sheep glands to high
schools and college athletic programs across the country.”
Chuck clapped his hands, “Sure helped my game, fuck yeah.”
“Perhaps,” Maggie glanced his way.
“Further studies into the performance enhancing treatments revealed that
there were adverse effects in cognitive processes of the users, not to mention
the ill-effects of leaving athletes with testicles the size of blueberries.”
Maggie commented, “Of course, they made a fortune.”
She continued her historical account about the company’s stock, but mostly I
was thinking about how pretty she was.
“Robbins Ltd. decided to return its corporate focus to the core business of
sheep glands, so they sliced up the cheese business and sold off Lactless in
bits and pieces. With their enhanced
profits, Robbins Ltd. began seeking to roll up corporate acquisitions. They found an attractive target in the
Stiffles Hardware chain and then followed up with a huge merger with YUZ
Calculators, thus forming the RobbinsYUZ Corporation.”
Owen grew impatient, “What’s the bottom line?”
“Well, the bottom line is that with splits, mergers and acquisitions, I would
say your 50,000 original shares of Robbins & Caruso, Inc. are now worth,
conservatively speaking, about 1.5 million shares of RobbinsYUZ.”
“That’s gotta be a piece of cheese,” I pumped my fist.
Maggie turned to me, “You should be aware that RobbinsYUZ had a little setback
last year. You see, right around tax
season a fire destroyed all the company’s accounting records. Miraculously, none of the executive suites
suffered any damage, just accounting. Go
figure. Anyhow, after the fire there was
a nasty article in ‘Investor’s Life’ about Robbins cooking its books in one of
the biggest corporate barbeques of all time.
Naturally, as one might expect, there was a dramatic loss in investor
confidence, and the share value subsequently took a noticeable plunge. But 1,500,000 shares times 25-cents still
isn’t bad if you didn’t have to work for it.”
Owen’s eyes spiraled. “Stop, stop, I’m
still moving decimal points.”
Maggie ignored him as she looked deep into my own eyes, “The company is
amazingly diversified in its holdings and rich in assets, if cash poor. They own this very mini-mall, the Third Base
Drive-In Theatre out on Route 28, plus they have a chain of trailer parks.”
“Trailer parks?” I perked up.
“Yes, they own a side business for low-income types in the Broken Heart Park
franchise.”
“Let me get this straight,” I leaned forward.
“I own a ton of stock in the company that owns Broken Heart Park?”
“Yes,” Maggie moistened her full, red lips.
I got up and headed for the door with a newfound sense of purpose in life.
“Hey, partner, where’re ya going?” Owen asked.
“Ya, partner?” Chuck Dookie seemed displeased.
“I’m off to Stardust Acres,” I answered them back. “It’s time for me to have a little
heart-to-heart talk with my little sister.”