Brokenhearted in Bakersfield
48 - I READ ALL ABOUT IT
As I sat there sucking on my
$20 lollipop, a tightly folded local newspaper jammed between my seat and the
train caught my attention. Then I noticed
the story about the commotion at Great-Granny’s burial. I tore out the article as a keepsake to
commemorate my time in Ulele:
LA PUBLICITÉ
“We’re Giving It To You Straight”
NEWS, BITS & OBITS
Ulele, CA—
Yesterday the body of silent film great, the incomparable Fanny Kartone, was
blasted into the great hereafter at the Ulele Garden of Eternal Rest for Pets
& Non-Christians.
Ms. Kartone, reputedly the world’s oldest living virgin, was reportedly 108 at
the time of her death, although no confirming records survive. Additionally, over 300 friends and fans were
immolated in the graveside explosion following the conclusion of funeral
services.
A true child of showbiz, Ms. Kartone was the daughter of renowned dancer Little
Morocco (made famous by the act she performed repeatedly at the St. Louis
World’s Fair).
Ms. Kartone followed in Little Morocco’s dance steps and tapped her way into
the hearts of America during the days of silent films.
With her ukulele-playing co-star, Harry Oskarlic, Ms. Kartone starred in over
50 films in her brief cinematic career.
Once movies were produced with accompanying soundtracks, Ms. Kartone was forced
to pursue various other career opportunities.
As every schoolchild in Ulele knows, Mr. Oskarlic went on to found our fair
city when he erected the old ukulele factory on the site of what is now the
Ulele Gas Works.
A number of years later, apparently despondent over the government’s closure of
his ukulele plant, Mr. Oskarlic took a midnight dive into his empty swimming
pool.
Unfortunately, he didn’t live
long enough to learn of the huge deposits of natural gas just beneath the
surface of his property.
Luckily for Ms. Kartone, Mr. Oskarlic’s will left his entire estate to his
beloved former co-star, including his former home, El Hacienda Grande.
Instantly, Ms. Kartone became one of the country’s wealthiest gas-pumping,
former dancing divas.
In a heartfelt eulogy for her deceased partner, Ms. Kartone insisted, “It was
the damnedest case of suicide I ever saw.”
She would later repeat her
statement to the police.
Ms. Kartone moved into La Casa de los Heuvos, Harry’s adobe abode, and she
spent her remaining decades in idle seclusion, attended by a succession of home
health aides until her recent demise.
Though gone, Ms. Kartone had one last, unscheduled performance. A huge methane explosion blew her gravesite
to smithereens following memorial services there. And now a towering blue flame commemorates
the late star’s passing.
Police are seeking DNA fragments of Ms. Kartone’s former houseboy, Lars, who is
suspected of igniting the explosion in a pique of rage (and who is also
implicated in a separate case of illegal enema tampering).
Fire Chief Sparky Bricken stated that the financially strapped city of Ulele
will need to absorb the costs of calling in professional earth-movers to snuff
out the fire in the hole.
Two younger sisters, Tovah and Toots, preceded Ms. Kartone in death. Her twin sisters performed as the tag-team
Hot-Cha-Cha Girls. When their
long-running show folded, the twins retired to a home for senior dancers where
they eventually succumbed to their infirmities of old age.
Ms. Kartone was also predeceased by a much younger sister and dancing star of
the first magnitude, Cha-Cha Kartone.
Unfortunately, Cha-Cha married businessman and entrepreneur, Johnny
Harmonica, shortly before a tragic drowning accident claimed both their
lives. It is rumored Fanny Kartone is
survived by a visiting nephew and a missing niece.