Brokenhearted in Bakersfield

 

25 - IT WAS A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER DAY

As a participant and witness to the following tragic event, I’ll just let The Beagle tell it:

THE BAKERSFIELD BEAGLE
“Digging Up The News”

SPORTS:  THE BROKEN OPEN

Bakersfield, CA—

A major mishap struck yesterday at the Broken Heart Park & Bursting Pride Condom Celebrity Golf Tournament.  As former child superstar Percy Farnsworth, better known as Cheeky Monkey from his hit TV series “Monkey, Monkey, Monkey,” bent over to place his tee, spectators were startled by an enormous roaring, rumbling sound.

Incredibly, Jasmine Links split open like a rotten fig, and the ground swallowed up the aging Mr. Farnsworth, including his two former co-stars.  Out of the resulting fissures plumes of noxious vapors arose, and many in the crowd were stricken by the gassy fumes.

Famous Wheezer Appliance shill and spokesperson, Jezabel Jewett, sank in oozing goo that only seconds before had appeared to be solid ground.  She managed to save herself by grabbing onto an unidentified fleeing male spectator.  Ms. Jewett was treated at the scene for minor cuts and bruises she suffered about her head and shoulders resulting from the unnamed hero’s attempts to beat her off.  This still unidentified man apparently succumbed to some kind of psychotic shock and was rushed to the St. Ides Infirmary where he was reportedly placed under heavy sedation.

When asked to measure the magnitude of the seismic activity that caused such damage, Dr. Ernie Flue of the National Geologic Service said, “That was no earthquake.”  He then explained, “What you just observed is what happens when you cover putrid landfill with artificial grass.”

A representative for the Bursting Pride Condom Co., Father Brendan Malarkey, remarked, “Holy Mother of God this place stinks.”

The Bursting Pride Condom Co. along with Broken Heart Park, Inc., including Pronto family interests, underwrote this ill-fated celebrity golf tournament.  A source claiming to speak with authority for Broken Heart Park, Inc. said reassuringly of the mishap, “What’s everybody so upset about?  C’mon, get a grip.  This happens all the time at many of America’s finest golf courses. ”

Repeated calls to Mama Pronto, reputed title-holder of the infamous Jasmine Links real estate development, went unanswered.

As The Beagle went to press, it was not known how many casualties resulted from the day’s tragic events.

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